Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. This phenomenon is increasingly described and discussed, thus raising public awareness. In this article, I will present examples of gaslighting.
TL;DR
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse involving manipulation of the victim’s perception of reality.
The goal of gaslighting is to gain control over the emotions, thoughts, and behaviors of the manipulated person.
- Denying facts (“You made that up,” “That never happened.”)
- Suggesting mental illness (“You're crazy,” “You should seek help.”)
- Minimizing the victim’s achievements, emotions, and feelings.
- Ridiculing and publicly or privately shaming the victim.
- Isolating the victim from family, friends, and acquaintances.
- Inducing feelings of guilt (“It's your fault you feel this way.”)
- Manipulating objects (hiding things or moving them around).
- Emotional blackmail (“If you leave me, you'll destroy the family.”)
- Close individuals (partners, family members, friends).
- Colleagues and supervisors in professional settings.
- Teachers and leaders of spiritual or personal development groups, as well as group participants, particularly assistants.
- Persistent feelings of confusion and doubts about your own judgments.
- Decreased self-esteem, feelings of helplessness, and confusion.
- Psychological symptoms such as anxiety, sadness, or depression.
- Physical symptoms including sleep disturbances, headaches, and digestive issues.
- Learn to recognize manipulation techniques.
- Set clear boundaries and consistently defend them.
- Build your self-worth and personal autonomy.
- Seek social support and professional help (e.g., a psychologist or therapist).
What is gaslighting?
The term “gaslighting” originates from the psychological thriller film Gaslight (1944), which translates to “fading flame.” The plot tells the story of a young woman who becomes a victim of her husband's manipulation. In his effort to gain full psychological control over her, he uses various techniques to undermine her emotions, thoughts, opinions, and perception of reality—such as making her believe she has nervous disorders, hiding objects, or accusing her of things she never did. Eventually, the victim begins to doubt her own judgment and mental health, while the abuser achieves his goal of domination (Stern, 2018).
Gaslighting is a sophisticated form of psychological abuse, and the perpetrator may use it consciously or unconsciously. Intentional gaslighting aims to completely overpower the victim by weakening their perception, grasp of reality, judgment, and self-worth (Dimsdale, 2024). Successful manipulation gives the abuser a sense of satisfaction. Individuals who engage in psychological abuse are often associated with Cluster B personality disorders—such as psychopathy, narcissism, or borderline personality disorder (Jarosz, 1975).
Unconscious gaslighting is more common and may result from learned defense mechanisms, childhood behavioral patterns, or attempts to divert attention from one’s own mistakes and shortcomings (Durvasula, 2024). Regardless of whether the behavior is intentional or not, victims of gaslighting suffer serious emotional harm, including lowered self-esteem, depression, anxiety disorders, and a loss of autonomy and trust in their own judgments. Over time, their mental health deteriorates, often accompanied by feelings of isolation, helplessness, emotional pain, and confusion (Badura-Madej, 2000).
This type of manipulation and abuse is most often committed by someone close—a romantic partner, family member, friend, coworker, or supervisor (Stern, 2018).
Gaslighting – Examples
Anyone can potentially become a victim of psychological abuse.
Victims of gaslighting often feel that something is “off,” but due to the constant manipulation they are subjected to, they begin to doubt their own feelings and thoughts (Stern, 2018). That’s why it's so important to deepen awareness about mental health and the various forms of abuse and manipulation that exist. Understanding what gaslighting is helps people recognize it and defend themselves against it.
The core mechanism of gaslighting is to lead the victim into a state of confusion—through lying, denial, and undermining. To do this, the perpetrator uses a range of techniques, often alternating or combining them (Gadomska, 2021):
- Mixed signals and use of positive reinforcement – To confuse and keep the victim close, gaslighters alternate between showing affection, care, and praise, and displaying anger, criticism, or indifference.
- Denial of reality – During confrontations, the abuser denies facts, causing confusion and distorting the victim’s perception of reality.
- Lying – The manipulator tells blatant lies, invents facts, denies the truth, and stubbornly sticks to their version of events until the victim starts doubting their own memory and reality.
- Minimizing – This includes diminishing the victim’s accomplishments, emotions, efforts, or contributions, leading them to stop trusting themselves and surrender their autonomy to the manipulator.
- Emotional blackmail – Using statements like “If you leave me, you'll break up the family” or “No one else will ever want you” to instill fear and guilt.
- Escalating manipulation – Over time, the manipulator intensifies their tactics, gradually pushing the victim’s boundaries and further eroding their self-worth.
- Shaming – Mocking the victim through “jokes,” bringing up sensitive topics or past mistakes, and using passive aggression or psychological manipulation to humiliate them.
- Isolating the victim – Cutting the victim off from their support system by discrediting friends and family, criticizing them, or encouraging the victim to end those relationships.
- Gaslighting mental health – The abuser questions the victim’s emotional stability, calling their feelings exaggerated or invalid. Common phrases include “You need therapy” or “There’s something wrong with you.”
- Inducing guilt – The manipulator plays the victim and blames the target for their emotional reactions to mistreatment. Anger in response to crossed boundaries is natural, but gaslighters twist this to make the victim feel ashamed or guilty for expressing those emotions.
- Hiding or moving objects – Designed to make the victim feel disoriented, forgetful, or “crazy,” this tactic undermines trust in their own memory and sense of reality.
What phrases are commonly used by a gaslighter? (Durvasula, 2024)
- “You’re being dramatic again.”
- “You don’t know how to take a joke.”
- “You’re so sensitive.”
- “You’re crazy / mentally ill.”
- “No one’s going to believe you anyway.”
- “You’re imagining things again.”
- “It’s not my fault you feel that way.”
- “You made that up.”
- “It’s your fault.”
Gaslighting doesn't only occur in toxic relationships or close personal connections. It can also happen in the workplace. The perpetrator may be a supervisor or coworker who uses the following manipulative techniques:
- Undermining qualifications – Giving negative evaluations based solely on limited experience, portraying someone as incompetent despite their skills and well-executed work.
- Ignoring – Disregarding the person's attempts to express their needs, ideas, expectations, or requests.
- Shifting blame – Holding the person responsible for problems they didn’t cause.
- Denial and lying, even when the facts are obvious – saying things like: “I never said that,” “I didn’t do that,” or “You made that up.”
- Taking credit for your successes – Claiming your achievements as their own or giving credit to other employees.
In cases of mobbing or identifying manipulation in the work environment, it’s essential to act quickly to prevent further psychological abuse. A person under the influence of manipulation may not even realize that the abuser’s behavior has a specific name — gaslighting (Durvasula, 2024).
If you notice someone in your professional or personal life might be experiencing some form of abuse — don’t stay silent. Speak up.
Are You a Victim of Gaslighting?
Do you suspect that you’re being manipulated? Or maybe you feel like something is wrong, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is?
Recognizing gaslighting from the outside is often much easier. As an external observer who isn’t emotionally entangled in the situation, you’re more likely to notice the signs than someone caught up in the manipulation (Durvasula, 2024).
That’s why I wrote about manipulation in various personal development groups in my book on personal growth — to shed light on these subtle, yet harmful dynamics.
What Happens When You Become a Victim of This Form of Abuse? When you are the one experiencing gaslighting, the confusion that accompanies the relationship with the abuser starts to distort your perception of reality (Jarosz, 1975). Your emotions and reactions are constantly undermined, leading you to lose trust in your own judgment.
In addition to the emotional symptoms commonly associated with being a victim of gaslighting—such as a sudden drop in self-esteem, increased irritability, anxiety, sadness, helplessness, and confusion—you may also experience psychosomatic symptoms.
The body reacts to toxic, unhealthy, and threatening environments. These reactions may include:
- Sleep disturbances
- Loss of appetite
- Digestive issues
- Headaches or migraines
- Muscle tension
- Chronic fatigue
(Badura-Madej et al., 2000)
If you notice that after interacting with a particular person, your mental and physical symptoms intensify, and you begin to doubt your thoughts, beliefs, or memories — be alert. These could be signs that you're being manipulated.
How to Defend Yourself Against Gaslighting
How to Defend Yourself Against Gaslighting
The most important element in both preventing and defending yourself against gaslighting is setting and maintaining clear boundaries (Stern, 2018). When you define your limits, some people may try to push, challenge, ignore, mock, or criticize them.
Stand firm—your boundaries are there to protect your well-being, and those who have good intentions will respect them rather than try to override them.
Additional support can come from therapy and even tantric massage, which may help you reconnect with your body, emotions, and inner sense of autonomy.
Take Care of Your Self-Worth and Seek Support. Focus on building and strengthening your sense of self-worth and autonomy. Get to know yourself—your values, your needs, and what truly matters to you.
If you're feeling unwell or going through difficulties, don’t isolate yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Support from trusted people plays a crucial role in emotional recovery and resilience (Badura-Madej et al., 2000).
Considering the serious damage that gaslighting can cause, never ignore even the smallest signs of manipulation. If you notice signs of psychological abuse in yourself or someone close to you, don’t hesitate to seek help.
Consider reaching out to a professional psychologist or psychotherapist. Experiencing emotional abuse is a traumatic experience, but with the help of specialists—such as a psychotraumatologist—it can become a starting point for healing, setting healthy boundaries, and rebuilding a stable sense of self and autonomy.
Bibliography:
Badura-Madej, W., & Dobrzyńska-Mesterhazy, A. (2000). Przemoc w rodzinie. Interwencja kryzysowa i psychoterapia [Violence in the family. Crisis intervention and psychotherapy]. Wydawnictwo Uniwersytetu Jagiellońskiego.
Dimsdale, J. E. (2024). Dark Psychology and Manipulation.
Gadomska, H. (2021). Gaslighting. Najokrutniejsza i najbardziej wyrafinowana forma przemocy [Gaslighting. The cruellest and most sophisticated form of abuse]. Retrieved from https://www.focus.pl/artykul/najsubtelniejsza-i-najokrutniejsza-forma-przemocy-gaslighting-to-pojecie-lepiej-znac
Jarosz, M. (1975). Wybrane zagadnienia patologii społecznej [Selected issues in social pathology]. PWN.
Durvasula, R. (2024). It's not you: Identifying and healing from narcissistic people.
Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect. Broadway Books.
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